


The air that I breathe

by KimWarris



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Angst, Brian's Voice Issues, Friends to Lovers, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:40:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29905392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KimWarris/pseuds/KimWarris
Summary: What a day. Howie shakes his head with a sigh before walking down the stairs into his kitchen to grab a bottle of water.Not only did the board meeting last way longer than anticipated. No, it had been a complete disaster.There’s still light in the living room when he enters the kitchen and he frowns. Howie sees the reflection of Brian’s face in the window and the blond looks deep in thought, bitter and lost. “Is there anything I can do for you?”, he asks. Brian smiles bitterly and looks out of the window again, shaking his head. “You’ve done enough already.”
Relationships: Howie Dorough/Brian Littrell
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	The air that I breathe

**Author's Note:**

> So, here it is, my first multi-chapter fic in a loooong time. I'll try my best to update every two weeks at latest. Oh, and the chapters will of course be longer than the prologue.  
> I hope you'll enjoy it.

Howie closes the bathroom door quietly behind him as to not wake his band members up. It’s almost 1:30 am and he really can’t wait to get into bed himself. What a day. He shakes his head with a sigh before walking down the stairs into his kitchen to grab a bottle of water. 

Not only did the board meeting last way longer than anticipated. No, it had been a complete disaster. At least there was a positive side that the meeting lasted so long: the guys hadn’t had a chance to catch their flights, so everybody is staying at Howie’s for the night. It forces them to spend some more time together and in Howie’s opinion it’s for the better. He doesn’t want to know what would’ve happened, if everybody just flew home. 

There’s still light in the living room when he enters the kitchen and he frowns. He was sure he was the last one up, but maybe the others only forgot to switch the lights off when they went upstairs. He grabs his water and makes his way to the living room, stopping when he sees Brian still sitting on the broad window ledge, his head on his knees and the arms wrapped around his legs. He is looking out of the window into the dark. 

Howie sees the reflection of Brian’s face in the window and the blond looks deep in thought, bitter and lost. He sighs internally and walks over to Brian. 

“I thought, you’ve already gone to bed”, he says while making himself comfortable in one of the armchairs. Their eyes meet in the mirror that is the window and Brian only shrugs.

“Don’t wanna”, he chokes out and Howie nods understandably. After that day, he doubts that Brian could sleep. 

Howie watches him for a moment. He can only guess what’s going on in his mind, but the silence is not comforting and so Howie feels it’s his part to bring some comfort. “You know that Nick’s only so upset and angry because he cares about you, right?” 

Finally, Brian turns around and looks at him directly, his blue eyes hard and cold. “Just drop it, Howie.” The said only raises his hands defensively. 

Again the silence stretches out between them. Howie is tired, but leaving Brian here on his own seems like a bad idea. So he stays, drinking his water and thinking hard about what he could possibly say to ease Brian’s mind. He can’t come up with anything. It pains him to see the blonde like that.

“Is there anything I can do for you?”, he asks finally.

Brian smiles bitterly and looks out of the window again, shaking his head. “You’ve done enough already.” He’s only mumbled it, but Howie hears the words nevertheless and sits up a little straighter. “What are you talking about?” 

At first, Brian doesn’t answer, but when he looks at Howie again and begins to talk there is so much hurt written all over his face.

“You know, what I always admired about you?”, he asks and Howie waits for his answer, “You never raise doubts. No matter how deep and dark the mud is that we are walking in, you never once doubted that we’d make it through as a group. Not when we were performing for free in high schools, not during my heart problems, not when the shit with Lou hit the fan, not even when Kevin left and you never doubted for a second that AJ and Nick would get through their drug issues and that we would come out stronger afterwards.”

Howie is frozen in his spot and there’s a queasy feeling in his stomach. Of course he doesn’t miss the tear that runs over Brian’s cheek even though his voice is steady for once, almost emotionless. And he knows where Brian is going with this and when he finally says it, it feels like a punch in the face.

“But today you doubted me. You don’t believe that we can make this through.”

“That is not what I said”, Howie protests.

“No, but it’s what you think.”

This accusion hits him and for a moment Howie is at a loss for words. This is not… partly… untrue.

He feels miserable admitting it, but Brian is partially right. The thing is: Brian’s voice issues scare the shit out of him. They don’t even know how to talk about it, let alone fix it. Howie just doesn’t know where this road is gonna lead them, if it is leading somewhere at all or if there is even a road left. Some days he cannot see them performing ever again, but then there’s also days, where Brian’s voice is okay. And he hates it, that he can’t call it something other than ‘okay’ because that’s the best it can get nowadays. And yes, at this point it is hard to imagine it ever getting better.

“I don’t”, he says, despite his thoughts and there’s a lump in his throat suddenly. Brian looks at him indifferent. 

“Don’t deny it. I don’t blame you. It’s just… it hurts.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you”, Howie says while he is looking anywhere but at Brian and fumbling with the label of the water bottle. 

“I know, but you did. Dude, you practically said that if I don’t fix it, there is no future in this group.” 

“It’s not what I meant at all”, he protests more fiercely this time. Brian just shrugs.

“Don’t think that I didn’t have thought about it. I know all of you did. I mean Kevin’s back and we saw that it works with only four of us.”

“Brian, stop it! None of us wants you out and you know that. None of us would ever suggest or ask for something like that. We make it as a group or we won’t make it at all.”

“Yeah, see? But that’s what I am talking about. You doubt that we will make it with my current state. And you’re not the only one. Nick might have said, that he knows that I will get my voice back. But have you seen his face?! Have you seen the look on his face? He doesn’t believe it. None of you does. And neither do I.”

Howie gulps heavily. Brian sounds so broken and it’s not only his voice. It’s his words. Howie feels the hurt and he wants to say something to make it better, but he just doesn’t know how. 

“I don’t wanna let you guys down. I want to get my voice back. But I don’t know how to fix this.” Brian wipes the back of his hand over his eyes, but there’s still some tears that escape him. Howie feels like crying along because this is really painful to watch, but he doesn’t give into the feeling. Instead he stands up and walks over to Brian, pulling his friend into a strong hug. 

Brian practically buries his face in Howie’s chest and the latter just holds him and lets him cry. Maybe it’s best for Brian to just get it out of his system. He doesn’t say anything, he just holds him and gently strokes over his back. 

“I got you, bro. You’re not alone in this”, he whispers every so often and after a while Brian calms down. Howie let’s go of him and sits beside him on the window ledge. There’s a wet spot on his shirt, but Howie doesn’t mind. Brian wipes the tears of his face again and when he finally looks at Howie he seems somewhat calmer and a little less desperate.

“Maybe I should just do background voice and choruses for the time being. You and Nick could do my parts. I mean, you wanted to be more up front anyways, so at least this is good for you. Your time to shine, man.”

Howie’s face darkens and now he is the one being hurt by Brian’s words. “Don’t you ever say something like that again, you hear me? Yes, I told you guys that I wanted to step out of the background but not at that cost.”

His voice is sharper than he intended, but the sheer idea that he could be happy about Brian’s voice issues makes him nauseas. It’s true that the two of them do not have the closest bond in the group and that there are still sometimes some bad vibes from the very beginning when Brian joined the group and took over Howie’s place as the lead singer, shoving him more and more into the background. On some days this conflict hangs over them like a dark cloud, but in general Howie has made his peace with it. Never would he ever wish Brian ill only to gain some advantage.

Brian looks at him and shakes his head after a moment. “I know. Sorry I said that.” 

“Thanks. You know that if I could make it better, I’d do so in a heartbeat, right?”

Brian nods hesitantly and Howie boxes slightly against his arm. 

“And now enough of that leaving the group bullshit. Winners never quit, quitters never win. We will fix you. I don’t know how, yet. But we will. You are a winner, Brian, and we wouldn’t have come that far without you, so there’s no way we are going to leave you behind, right? You’ll make it back.”

Howie is not entirely sure who he wants to convince, himself or Brian, but somehow saying the words makes him feel better. For a short moment there is a crooked smile on Brian’s face before he turns all serious again and looks at Howie. 

“Do you really believe this?”

Howie wants to. He really, really wants to. So, he lies.

“I do.”

Brian exhales in a shaky sigh and Howie pats his shoulder.

**Author's Note:**

> Anyone interested in doing some proof-reading/beta for the upcoming chapters?


End file.
